In our training, we talk a lot about discipline and motivation in getting our behinds out there and getting the work in. In the Yin and Yang of things, there is also another approach we can take: to reduce or remove our restraints.At The Art of Manliness, there is a post that discusses this. Below is an excerpt. The full post may be read here.
It’s a new year, so many men are thinking about making changes in their lives.
Maybe you want to lose weight.
Maybe you want to get up earlier.
Maybe you want to spend less time playing video games.
Maybe you want to be less of a grump.
If you’re like many men who desire to make changes in their lives, you’ve likely attempted personal change but failed.
You’ve started diets, tried workout plans, and created budgets, only to give up on them a few weeks or months later.
What gives?
When
we flounder in our attempts to improve ourselves, we typically chalk up
the failure to a lack of motivation or discipline. So we read books and
watch YouTube videos on increasing our motivation and discipline. But
they don’t seem to help much. We might feel an initial increase in
drive, but then it peters out after a few days.
Like
most men, I’ve had varying degrees of success with different
self-improvement goals. Why do I succeed with some and not others? As a
father, I’m keen on helping my kids develop noble habits and desires.
How can I better nurture their progress? As a guy in the business of
“helping men become better men,” I’m always looking for insights that
can help me fulfill that professional vision.
So
I’ve been thinking and reading about personal change this past year. My
study has taken me to psychology and behavioral science, of course. But
it’s also led me to philosophy. Personal change isn’t just a matter of
neurology or psychology; an element of soul is also involved. Some
changes are more soulful than others.
Over the next year, I plan to share some of the things I’ve been thinking about and learning about personal change.
But
to kick things off, I want to introduce you to a theory of how personal
change happens that has significantly influenced my thinking about this
aspect of the human experience.
...
When it comes to making a change, we typically think of increasing our driving forces — things like motivation and discipline.
Increasing your driving
forces can get you much of the way towards your goals. I’m a
particularly strong believer in the idea that motivation — having an
inherent desire to engage in a pursuit — is essential in achieving success in any endeavor.
But
people often overlook the significance of restraining forces in
successfully transforming their habits. Dr. Ross Ellenhorn, the author
of How We Change (And Ten Reasons Why We Don’t),
compares the interplay between driving and restraining forces to
heading out on a road trip: you may have a full tank of fuel (driving
forces), but if you run into a traffic jam (restraining forces), you’re
not going to get anywhere.
So
it’s worth flipping things around from how you may normally think about
goal-setting to consider the restraining forces side of the equation.
Kurt Lewin was the intellectual grandfather of the contemporarily influential psychologist Daniel Kahneman of Thinking Fast and Slow fame. In an interview on the Freakonomics podcast,
Kahneman described a key insight he got from Lewin about how to help
someone else change that also applies to changing your own life:
Diminishing
the restraining forces is a completely different kind of activity
because instead of asking, ‘How can I get him or her to do it?’ it
starts with a question of, ‘Why isn’t she doing it already?’ Very
different question. ‘Why not?’ Then you go one by one systematically,
and you ask, ‘What can I do to make it easier for that person to move?’
I love that question to ask yourself when you’re troubleshooting failed attempts at personal change: Why am I not doing this thing already?
Why am I not already eating right?
Why am I not already exercising regularly?
Why haven’t I already curbed my drinking?
Maybe
perfectionism is holding you back from sticking to a diet. Instead of
giving up completely when you don’t keep your diet with exactitude,
perhaps you can give up the perfectionist mindset and settle for good
enough 80% of the time.
Maybe
you’ve overextended yourself in time commitments and don’t have the
time to dedicate to a regular exercise routine. Do an audit and bow out
of some commitments to free up some time.
Maybe
you’re ready to quit drinking, but all your friends want to do is go to
the bar every night. Expand your social circle and find new friends who
don’t center their socializing around alcohol.
You
don’t have to eliminate all the restraining forces in your life. Some
restraining forces you’ll never be able to get rid of, like family
members or a disability. But you can always find ways to work around
them or diminish their influence on a desired outcome. Focus on what you
can do, not what you can’t do.